Call Me Ben Dover

I am recovering from piles. Yes, pain in the ass PILES. Always heard of this condition but never knew it hurt so much!

The pain started 2 days before it got too painful to ignore. I went to my regular doctor, a female one. As I walked into her room in trepidation, she smiled and said,"What's wrong, Mr Foo?"

"I think I have piles, doctor"

"Oh, any blood in your stool?"

"I don't know, I don't look into the bowl after I'm done. Is there any way to cure this through oral treatment?" (fearing the inevitable)

"Yes." (I brighten up!) "But I'm gonna have to take a look at it"

DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Can we not do this? I don't feel very comfortable about it"

She chuckles. "If I don't look at it, I wouldn't know what medication to give you. Now, get on the bed, lie on your side and pull your pants down"

Like a new toyboy, I coyly follow her instructions. I climb onto the bed, remove my pants slowly, pull them down, knowing I'm gonna regret this .... SNAP! Yup, the sound of latex slapping on her wrist. My doctor was ready to finger me.

"Relax... is it this lump?"

"UMMMMM......."

"Yup, you have piles" (I told you that when I first stepped in!)

"I'm giving you this pill, take 2 times daily, and cream , apply 3 times daily"

"Apply?"

"Ya, you just put some on your finger and push it in and rub" Wa lau eh!!!!!!

"And don't take too much heaty food, Mr Foo." (Doc, we crossed that line already, I feel closer to you now, you can call me on a first name basis)

So, for the past few days, I feel like a citizen from the Pink Nation, pleasuring myself. After my bath, my left hand propped on the basin, feet squarely on the floor, I'd BEND OVER the basin, arch myself forward by tiptoeing to have a better access, my right finger would be doing the dirty do.

I feel much better now, thank you for your concern.

My parents are right all this while. From now on, I would eat my brocolli and take more fruits.


redcocoon

Will Work for Petrol

K, I can't keep mum about this issue any longer. It's been dragging too long and burning a hole in my pocket at the same time.

The point of contention here is ... petrol.

Be it 95, 98 or the ultra premium juice, it's getting too damn expensive!!! Yes, the whole world is feeling the pinch, with oil hitting US$70 a barrel. However, on this little dot that is Singapore, prices are way too steep since day one. While Malaysia and Indonesia are grappling with potential uprisings when they cut the domestic subsidies for fuels, we drivers here have been paying expensive petrol tax for as long as I can remember.

A few years back, an article in the Straits Times featured a breakdown of costs for a petrol station. The 2 items I remember vividly were the rental cost of the land the station is sitting on and the petrol tax. Can't remember the exact figure, but it was high, way too high.

One big reason why petrol costs $2 a litre is due to the exhorbitant petrol tax. I wish, without having Singaporeans write in to the forums, without having them approach their various MPs or without having us resort to online petitions, the relevant authorities would look into lowering the tax rate to lighten our loads. Not every driver on the road is driving a luxury car, on the way to a spa in a swanky club.

Of course, the recent typhoons and hurricanes being blamed for the current rise in prices is all BS to me. The last I checked, typhoons and hurricanes have been thrashing on Mother Earth since long ago, not in recent months. The ones happily laughing their way to the bank are probably the oil dealers, securing high future prices for oil, pushing it higher than it should naturally be, pocketing handsome commissions along the way.

For me, my monthly expenditure on petrol has gone up about 30%. There was a time when my car was a means to earning my keep. Now, I seem to be working to keep the car. Yes, petrol costs me more now because New Orleans (read N'Orleans) is submerged in water. Go figure.

Excuse me, for I have to go make ends meet now...


redcocoon